Thursday, February 16, 2017

Why should you go to Pentagon City Mall when you could just live it right here on omghvi?

The Pentagon has a city, and that city has a mall, but it's called the Fashion Center At Pentagon City. Oh wait, they spell it 'centre' because that's the Queen's English and they are traitors to America.

Like any diligent bloggeur, I went straight to the official website for an unbiased introduction. What I found was disturbing. What I found was this:

Heck, what am I saying? Count me in! This hive of commerce has just become a pulsing hive of fetish mayhem. I indicated the culprit finger in the snap above, but the eyebrow should've given me a clue. Alas, I didn't hit minimize in time to shield my tender soul.

So, off the top of my head, from previous visits, they have a glass elevator, an indoor pine palm tree, a direct connection to Pentagon City metro, delusions of grandeur, an indoor food court frequented by birds, and shit is pretty expensive, considering. There's just about every store you'd expect, Macy's won't validate your parking without proof of purchase, and there are hot ATTRACTIVE adolescents milling around on weekends. There's a Body Shop (for human bodies) and fuck, who really cares.

There's not much to hate, but there's plenty of people on the internet who hate everything, so let's see what they have to say.

"The stairs in the side stairwells are suicide stairs."

Isn't that more like a useful feature? Eh, give me The Exorcist Steps any day. Brace yourselves, the next one is kind of drawn out.

"Bunch of idiots.... the detail shop within the parking garage doesn't speak english and can't answer your questions. I spent an hour of my time driving around trying to find them because of the incorrect directions they gave me multiple times."

I know exactly what happened here. This douche pissed them off, so they sent him off on the wild goose chase. I bet they were cackling to each other every time he set off again. Bless them, I love a dysfunctional car park.

Ok, that's enough. See you again in some other wretched situation.

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